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Daily Satire, Parody, Humour, & Other Marginally Funny Stuff
Don Cherry Expected To Be Out Six Weeks With Sprained Thumb
News Bits

Grapes Damages Digit During Exhibition Game

don cherry thumb
Don Cherry during happier thumbier times.
TORONTO-- Legendary hockey icon and celebrity broadcaster Don Cherry has been placed on the injured reserve list, expected to be out of the Hockey Night In Canada line-up for at least six weeks following an unfortunate thumbs-upping incident. Cherry, one of the key hosts of Coach's Corner, was reportedly injured during a charity hockey event in Brampton, Ontario, while raising his right hand in an attempt to give the crowd one of his trademark "thumb's up".

During the act of positioning this thumb in an upward style position, Cherry felt something pull, and immediately retracted his thumb from the "up" position back to a natural thumb position. Cherry has reported feeling some numbness in his right thumb, and a modest amount of dirt under his thumbnail, but is otherwise in good health.



 
Vatican Cardinals Prepared To Withdraw Services
Religion

Cardinals Threaten Vatican Strike

pope vatican cardinals
Pope John Paul II ruled the Vatican with an iron stick.
VATICAN CITY-- The College of Cardinals (The Sacred College of the Holy Roman Church), is preparing to vote on a strike this weekend, following a breakdown in negotiations with the Vatican, sources say.

The cardinals (not the football Cardinals, nor the baseball Cardinals, nor the actual bird species) have been practicing Catholicism without a contract for over 2,000 years, and many are now saying enough is enough.

Although the cardinals aren't in a union, per se, they feel they have a collective agreement through custom, tradition, and belonging to a college.



 
iPhoneys Disturbing My Coffee Time
Editors Desk

When did Apple iPhone Users Become Buddies?

I like to think of my coffee time as my quiet time, a contemplative period where I can sit down and relax, thinking about the amazing things in life (like drink-holders on boats that swivel around so your beer doesn't spill when the waves get rolling). So this one day I was sitting quietly at a local Starbucks, pondering away about odd things, and flicking about with my iPhone 3G, bookmarking my location on the map (so that I could store all of the locations I've visited), when another coffee customer, who was sitting across from me, started waving at me to get my attention. I looked up at this guy, who then started pointing at my iPhone, nodding approvingly before going back to his newspaper.

I wouldn't have thought that this gadget bonding moment was too weird, until a second customer walked by me, flashing his iPhone back at me while toasting me with his green tea frappuccino.

Okay, I thought, what is this, some sort of Apple owners fraternity? Am I now some part of a quasi-brotherhood, like a bizarre cult of Volkswagen fanatics, where I must now go through my days acknowledging everyone else who owns an iPhone with a wave and a nod?



 
No Medals For Canada At 2008 Beijing Olympic Games
Editors Desk

But Everyone Gets A Purple Ribbon!

ImageIN MY ARMCHAIR-- I've been following the Olympic games in Beijing (on television, not actually from Beijing), and I must admit that I'm mildly disappointed in the lack of podium finishes (that is to say, none) by Canada, my home and native land. I say mildly, because there are plenty of beach volleyball matches to distract me from my moderate pain.

I've watched numerous hours of broadcasting on the CBC, and I think there has been more content about China, than actual events. However, whenever I do get to see Canadians participate in various swimming and rowing and other Olympic events, and I see them finish fourth or fifth or last, or whatever, I keep hearing the same thing over and over again: "Well, we're just happy to have been able to compete" and "I think that every Canadian deserves a medal just for getting here".

WHAT????



 
My Obsession With Death
Humor

I'm Always Pondering About Death

Pondering Death
Pondering Death
INSIDE MY SKULL-- Maybe I'm being morbid, but I think about Death all the time. From the moment I wake up in the morning until the time my head hits the pillow, Death is never very far from my thoughts. My friends say it's an obsession, and maybe I need to talk to someone about this, but I admit, I can't stop thinking about Death.



 

The Toque: Good Canadian Humour

Editors Desk

iPhoneys Disturbing My Coffee Time

article thumbnaiWhen did Apple iPhone Users Become Buddies? I like to think of my coffee time as my quiet time, a contemplative period where I can sit down and relax, thinking about the amazing things in...
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Worldwide, Pokerstars are agreed as the number one in poker

Featured Columnists

Floyd BarberYou Are In Deep Shit

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Dick WiselyThe Fountain Coin Mystery

article thumbnail Mall Crime Fiction, with Dick Wisely Mall security is a lonely job, but I wear my badge proudly, and I'm pretty happy with the name tag...
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Stuff We Didn't Say

"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom." -Groucho Marx
 

Reviews Of Other Stuff That People Like Us To Write About (*wink)

Explore Canada With Timeshares

The crisp natural surroundings, friendly cities and lively spirit have made helped Canada become a favorite vacation destination for travelers weary of the sun, sand and surf kind of escape. Outdoor activities abound, coupled with the urban areas' rich arts and music communities ensure that there's something for everyone. Want to make vacations to your favorite part of Canada a regular part of your lifestyle? Consider purchasing a timeshare there. From Quebec to British Columbia there are hundreds of places to visit in this northern nation. Whether you currently live in Canada and want to...
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There Must Be Somewhere To Buy Used Panties

When you were jarred from your cozy, peaceful slumber this morning by the whining, annoying sounds of AM music from your girlfriend's $9 alarm clock radio, and noticed the worn red lace seams and stretched elastic waistband of your lover's recently-worn undergarment hanging from a corner of the four-poster bed, you were probably asking yourself: "where in the world would I buy be able to buy a seemingly comfortable pair of used panties...if I was so inclined?". One would think that with so many "retro" style boutiques and shops that sell collectible clothing items, that someone, somewhere...
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The Toque is a web-based satirical entertainment magazine, and is only intended for the humourous consumption of our audience.

All of the material on The Toque is humour and satire. It is intended to poke fun at current events, world culture, and the human condition.

Public figures used in The Toque are portrayed for satirical purposes only. All other characters are fictional. Any use of real names is coincidental and purely unintentional. Any similarities to actual persons is also pure coincidence, and not our intent. We cannot emphasize enough how coincidental our fictional entities are to any real life individual, entity, or character.

All other stories are presented in The Toque for their humorous value and are not true. If one of the stories happens to become fact, it should be considered a lucky guess, and not as a result of any inside information. It's really all just made up. If our story happens to parallel any other parodied or satired story, that too should be considered coincidence. There are seven billion of us on the planet. Just keep in mind that Canadians did not reshingle the Egyptian pyramids, and we do not have the secret to telekinesis.

The material in The Toque is intended for adults, or those of adult age with maturity issues. It is not meant for those under 18 years of age. So please don't sue us because you let your kid read our website.

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